your parents love me but you hate me
Dude that chick in the corner just threw up
Hot
yes, the chronicles of narnia is exactly what happens when you do crack inside of a wardrobe.
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
Judging by his bulge. This guy is going home with me. Who doesn't want a dick that looks like it used to be a pillar in Rome.
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
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