When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
So i'm in mason getting an ultrasound.. and there are a bunch of hicks in here with their wild ass children and this one young mom yells at her kid "harley sit!"
You should introduce yourself as garth. As in garth brooks.
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
My dads not up on pop culture but he's not dumb enough to believe your 2 girls 1 cup reference at dinner was from the bible.
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
I have tasted many bathrooms
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