hanging on that rope, lady gaga looks exactly like a used tampon
all i know is that if they can hide that much blood in her outfit, they definitely could have hid a penis
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
We're knee deep in HJ's right now.
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
I feel like ditching all logic and responsibility and get shit-faced before the week's over. Thoughts?
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
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