im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
We discussed how many times we've passed out during sex. The answers may shock you.
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
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