I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
I dunno. Last time I went there I had got sexually propositioned by a Belgian prince.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
He had really great hair, but he told me he's been in a psych ward three times. I mean I know I'm a psych major, but that's too much.
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
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