i'm going to rape that little man
omg not your brother
dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
Randomize
