I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
I dont know why the TSA people are looking at me wierd. I mean there is no way i am the only hungover college girl here with nine tally marks on her hand and last nights glitter on her face
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
And I am bleeding like slutty girl #1 In a horror movie
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
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