i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
i wish peter jackson would direct porn
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
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