God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
His truck was very sexy. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter, I discovered that the whole overcompensating thing is very true...
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