May have just accidentally purchased an iphone on Kate's credit card. This has potential to be bad.
Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
Her name is Sherri and her sister's are Brandy and Champagne. Of course I want to meet her parents.
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
Randomize
