You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
Due to our sore throats we are now doing bong hits with cranberry juice to sooth it.
something isn't right. i offered to be his sex slave and he declined..
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
I wonder if there is a über wall of shame that you are currently on. Like between drivers.
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
Randomize
