I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
Currently listening to 'Just Put it in Your Mouth.' remember when i went through that phase?
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
so far I've only met her once and hung out one other time. Up to 5 BJs already. That's serious efficiency.
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
Randomize
