Just woke up and stopped at the WaWa in Virginia. Had major morning wood and didn't try to hide it when walking around. So many awkward stares.
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
Plus he stuck it in when you were sleeping which would have been the tipping point for me but you art school kids are all liberal and shit
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
short story short, i just screamed anal seepage in the middle of a diner.
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
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