did you wind up at some random place? and do you remember face planting into the fireplace?
i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
He def has a gf... But hes 7 feet tall and that superceeds any morality I may have.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
THE SUN DOESNT SET TIL 647 YAAAAASSSSSSSSSS. Goodbye seasonal depression hello regular depression
Randomize
