we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
I love that you put so much thought and effort into your nudes
I don't send half assed nudes. Go big or go home.
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
Randomize