When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
your room smells of hookers.
And success
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
If a Romanian girl's marriage isn't considered legal in the US then she's fair game right?
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
Sounds good. Stay safe. I'm kind of drunk in a Food 4 Less right now and I'm having the time of my life.
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
I've started recycling nudes. Why should I take new pictures for every single man?
Randomize
