I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
Just met a female bro. Things are weird at the rugby party.
Just found out my brother beats off to Lauren Conrad. the Hills will never be the same.
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
She just cut the six pack plastic up and screamed "save the dolphins"..she also threw away cans of tuna. I like this girl.
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize
