i blacked out hard core.. it was bad peeeed muh bed
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
wyd
Laying here debating on if i want a sandwich or an orgasm.
Just opened my sisters laptop to "cute places to lose my virginity" googled last
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
Randomize
