no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
if only i could text you this smell
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
no we just smoked too much weed and listened to the tarzan soundtrack. phil collins is amazing
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
Randomize
