Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
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