so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
Girls should come with a carfax report
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
you inspire me to be a worse person
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
15 year-old stoners have those problems. we're college students dude. dont be like that...
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
Randomize
