hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
I apparently made a "health and fitness" subcatagory called "drugs" on mint at some point. I used it to catagorize all of my nyc atm withdrawls for $60 haha
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
Randomize
