The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
HE WAS CUMMING IN THAT DICK PIC
i looked that guy up on facebook. the one who went down on me for two hours
what's the verdict
i've been scrubbing my vag all morning
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