She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
Okay! I've got my sketchbook, my purse, my coat, and a knife hidden in my cleavage. I'm ready for to meet my blind date~
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
I will read books by day and do guys by night. A mental and physical enlightenment, if you will.
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
Randomize