peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
Yep. It's going to be us, strippers, and drag queens.
A glittery, gay, heavily makeuped, scantily dressed clusterfuck.
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
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