Fucking love it maybe bedazzle some baby seals? Make them cuter? Who would club a bedazzled baby seal? Only a fucking monster.
I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
Best look from Detroit today: running across the street with your buttcheeks on display carrying a 40 oz. Or maybe being crazy-pregnant and screaming and slamming a pay phone. Toss up.
is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
Randomize
