So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
fuck st louis. fuck their hockey. fuck their basball. fuck their football if they still got it. fuck their tiddlywinks teamm. fuck their ribs. fuck their entire city. what im trying to say is i dont like st louis
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