i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
Randomize
