Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
I think I won the penis lottery.
i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
Threesome last night. Not that cool, you tend to pick a favorite.
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
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