And. No one ejaculated on anyones face. This is all wrong
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
and hes going back to rehab like me, so we have common interests
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
Randomize
