WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
she used her cellphone as a light to find my clit under the sheets. worst.lesbian.ever.
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
3-9 out of 10... Depends on the situation. Taco Bell is more of an idea than a restaurant.
How stoned are you?
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
