I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
im holly from the hills drunk
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
Randomize
