The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
YOU ARE TAKING ADVANTAGE OF MY INEBRIATED STATE
YOU ARE DRUNK AND USED AND SPELLED THE WORD "INEBRIATED" CORRECTLY. I AM TAKING ADVANTAGE OF NOTHING.
I CAN'T HELP THAT I'M MULTITALENTED YA FUCKER
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
Randomize
