You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
Randomize
