My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
True enough. Do you ever think that these girls grandparents ghosts are watching you masterbate to their granddaughters and look at you in Shame?
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
