So how Liz Lemon is this? I bring a boy home, we get in bed, and I realize there's a lean pocket wrapper in the sheets.
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
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