I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Randomize
