I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
No offense but you kinda look like a Jack Johnson fan in that pic
It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
lets start a news segment called WHY IS LEOS CROTCH BURNING TODAY
The bouncer said the club was at capacity we couldnt get in till ppl left all three of them pulled their tits out we got complimentary bottle service never under estimate women
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
