i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
I just got a reminder alert on my phone for an event I titled "Bradley getting stupid high with me in bed." I assume we planned this during the party. I'm down if you are.
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
You had a hat of bras. Probably a good dozen, which is totally impressive for a Thirsty Thursday
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
Randomize
