Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
I plan on getting so intoxicated, that I think it's MY own birthday
Can I play this game?
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
Randomize
