I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
He looks like he'd be great Lego character.
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
Randomize
