in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
honestly I asked the same thing when we had our slip n slide and margarita party
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
We've only been here for 15 hours and our names are already on 2 separate police reports. We've also been given our "final warning" by the cops and hotel management.
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
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