At a sweet 16. cant remember what shirt im wearing byt dnt worry im not sleeping w/ the guy who serves the chicken nuggets again
does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
We need somewhere to take these girls. Otherwise it's a orgy in the Mazda.
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
I made him laugh his dick is mine
Maybe? I'm not shaving my pubes for a maybe type of night.
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
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