im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
i was staring at it trying to desperately see a vagina
I don't know what he did but now I'm terrified of mustache rides and it's only movember 3rd
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
I'm trying to ve beat feiesnd sent.
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
Randomize
