i bet jesus would rush if he went to usc
We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
she said shes getting her period tomorrow so she wants to have sex now. i didnt object. it would have been heartless.
ofcourse you didnt.
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
For the love of God you used a 40 foot extension cord to bungee jump out the off the 2 nd floor
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
Randomize
