i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
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