She's a black belt cougar in the 6th degree.
Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
I'm just saying; the box truck will cost less then dorms or rent, and we can always crash where the party is.
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
Randomize
