Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
It was close. I was the girl scoping out where all the garbage cans were located in the class just in case.
This is why you don't heavily drink before 2 midterms.
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
You ask to touch his thighs ten times and called them magnificent.....need I say more
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
Randomize
