Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
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