If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
His friends call him "Gasm".... Im going for it.
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
There is a glee sing along. It's on random and they know them all. Like, the specific glee timings and pauses. I need to leave. I need to escape
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
The power of the half flaccid cock, and to think, I thought I was just playing accordion in front of her Vagina!
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
Randomize
