I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
The polaroid of me taking a test-tube of Jegar out of the gay guys mouth pretty much explains my trip to Spain.
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
you were wearing a pair of wings and handing out McDonalds apple pies, if anyone refers to you as the "Rave Fairy" you now know why.
THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
2 men making out for 2 seconds to trick a cop so they don't get arrested for being pulled over rolling a blunt is not gay.
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
At least life still wants to fuck me.
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
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