my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
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