I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
This house was built for laser tag.
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
Randomize
