I'm walking behind a man wearing a womans shirt, heels, mens pants and a baseball hat
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
he said "you're pretty" then i made out with him. thats all it took
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
Every time Brady gets sacked I cum a little...
I don't even think NICOLE made a fool of herself last night...
your aware she lit herself on fire, right?
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