Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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