yes we were fucking thats why i put "watching a movie" in quotations
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
I like that they’re all named Christopher or Chris. No need to worry about moaning during!
Randomize
