i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
his penis was crooked so i rode him at an angle. he seemed used to this.
He is going to sleep with me. That's all there is to it. I'm 4 for 4 right now. I'm not making it 4 for 5.
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
He is full of southern hospitality and I want to be full of him.
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
Randomize
