My sheets look like a crime scene.
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
k. The important thing is we are going out. You are stones. I am mildly hallucenating.
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
I am NOT losing my v-card to a guy who doesn't know my ass from my elbow.
Alex thinks he can revoke my dick privileges haha.
Isn't he the one getting all the privileges ?
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