This girl is very crazy
She's one of those compassionate ppl
So everything I said on this seemingly endless date offended her
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
Perfect. Let's do that. I'm thinking everclear and green dye as our base. We shud start from there
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
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