So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
just let her blow you already, it's practically animal cruelty at this point.
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
We laughed. We cried. We came everywhere.
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
Dicks are not precious.
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
Randomize
