Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
We dont have to go to dinner or anything gay like that. I just wanna do it.
I absolutely love you.
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
There is always the bar, but 2 30 on a Tuesday just screams alcoholism
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
Randomize
