You blewit but ill be back in laekciew tonigthso calll mee
My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
Plan A DEFINITELY worked... Go with me to get Plan B??
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
but what if he tries to talk dirty to me with the lisp?
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
Kegger tonight. 10pm. $5 coverfor unlimited booze. Proceeds benefit nuns from Uganda. Bring friends. No shit.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
We free pour in this house. Measuring alcohol is for the weak
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
Randomize
