Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
we were having sex and she freaked out when i said nipple
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
So this whole chlamydia situation totally puts a damper on my back to school sex schedule, there's just no way of knowing who of them was the perpetrator... Time for new candidates
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
How does it make you feel that I can't control my vagina around you?
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
Randomize
