So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
almost passed out on the way to class today.. laid down in a construction site. bad idea
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
I just want to fall into a pit of xannies and eat my way out.
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
Randomize
