they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
Not to make her into that kind of girl, but she did have a condom mural
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
he went down on me while I ate Oreos. I don't know what caused the orgasm.
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
Randomize
